Wake me up when November ends...

I feel like I have been...slacking. Like I had this great stride going and then BAM. I am not even sure what happened. I don't think there was a single "thing" that occurred to make me feel...less than. I just feel like I don't matter. I usually get like this when I am exhausted and have been pushing my self extremely hard. So I guess I should have been prepared for it.

I have been having vivid dreams about my mother. She died in 2006 and I have only had a few dreams about her in all the time that has passed. It makes me miss her terribly. It also forces me to look at her death in a new light.

She was in complete renal failure, congestive heart failure and she was a juvenile diabetic. These things among others made her life more like a prison. She was entrapped in a body that couldn't walk. She was reliant on several medications multiple times a day just to stay on this earth inside the body she was trapped in. I see now how difficult and depressing it must have been for her.

I was very selfish when she was here. I never expected her to actually die. She was super woman in my world. She was everything to me. How could she die? But...she did.

I am filled with despair about it even now. All these years later. I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest.

Death is not something new for me. I have lost many close friends over the years. More than my fair share. But there was nothing that could have prepared me for losing her. Nothing...