Hide and Seek

The past year I have been trying to grow. As a person, as a mother and as a friend. This involves delving into hidden emotions that I don't have any desire to fuck with. I am realizing that if I keep hiding them away and don't deal with them I will never really be able to move past it. I refuse to waste anymore time hiding. It is time to enjoy my life. To do that there is work I must do first.

So here I am...dealing with the shit I have hidden. Deep down in that dark, cold place in your heart where you put all the hurt. Fuck that place.

I call it growing pains. No not like the TV show. Stay with me here people.

I have spent the last few years of my life as a pod person. Making decisions based on some masked emotional state. I used to spend so much of my time feeling. Making decisions on those feelings...stupid shit.

But it goes back farther than the last few years. I am realizing I started hiding who I was at a very early age. Some of my first memories were filled with worry. Not about anything important. I worried about what other people thought of me. I was so worried about fitting in.

It makes me sad to think about all that I have given up by hiding myself for so many years. I find myself asking why the fuck would I have done that? How is it that so many children end up feeling like they want to hide and just fit in? Makes me sad. I hope that my children never feel they need to hide themselves.