I miss my mom

My mother left this world seven years ago today. It still feels as though it was yesterday. Every year comes and goes. Every year I am reminded of my last days with her. The day before she met her first grandson. The moment she first held him in her loving arms. The look on her face when she whispered, “He’s perfect. Good job little mama”. How sick I got with fever. The way she never missed a beat with her positivity. She wore festive Halloween shirts, brought me candy and sat and crocheted at my bedside as I healed and we got to know Sleaven. Then I am reminded of the last time I laid eyes on my beautiful mother. I had gotten up and gone to the window to watch her leave. I saw her wheel herself to the valet and sit patiently chatting with other patrons while she waited for them to bring her vehicle around. Then she got into the car. The valet loaded her wheel chair into the back and off she went. It was the day before Halloween 2006. I would never see or speak to her again. The next day I was released from the hospital after a week-long stay. I arrived home and ignored the last call I would ever get from my mother. I was stressed about trivial things that could have waited. If I’d only known. She left a voice mail saying, “I just wanted to make sure you and your little family got home safe. I love you little mama. Call me when you get this”. I didn't. Instead I waited until morning. Until it was too late. I called at 7:56 am and she was in the process of having a massive heart attack that would take her life. She tried to answer but was unable to. I had no idea what had transpired. She was pronounced dead at 8:03 am. I received a phone call from my cousin just after 11 that morning. She called to say, “I am so sorry about what happened to your mom”. I had to force her to tell me what had happened. My brother never called to tell me. My grandmother never did either. One of my cousins was first on the scene. He was a fireman in the area. He also never thought to tell me. I felt betrayed. I felt alone. But mostly I was…in shock. I couldn't think, couldn't wrap my head around it. My mother had been ill for a long while but for some reason I never prepared for her to really be gone. She was the only family I had that gave a shit if I survived. How am I supposed to survive this without her?
This is what I relive every year…fuck.